I’ve been writing for many years now and to some degree, following the rules. What I mean when I say rules is – how should I present my writing self to the world? Prior to going back into education, I just wrote. I wrote in note books, on blogs, on various platforms, and it wasn’t for followers, it wasn’t with the intention of making a fortune, it was just a way of making sense of the world through my words.
Does university stifle your inner wordsmith?
When my Mum died in 2010, the world that I knew was thrown into turmoil. I had so many emotions and one outlet, my writing. Mum was a writer too, she would scribble her woe’s on the back of debt letters, in the inside cover of magazines, even on the back of a cereal box if there was a big enough gap for a rhyme. Words poured from her pen like magic and I admired that. Realising that that magic pen had dried up, made me long for an opportunity to develop my own magic pen, and my writing skills. I knew I could write as freely as Mum, and as often, but there was a lack of skill and attention missing from my work, it was amateur at best, and lacking something.
In 2012, after a year of A levels at college, I moved my life to Stirling and embarked on a university degree in English literature. I decided that this was the course for me because it promised a module in Creative Writing in the 3rd year of the course. I couldn’t wait.
University was everything that I hoped it would be, I was reading interesting books, learning new things, making friends, listening to incredibly knowledgeable and interesting people, and having fun. Over the four years, I learned about books, what is really inside them, and what shapes the content. I began to deconstruct fiction like a chef would deconstruct a sandwich- you know the ones, where the contents are exposed rather than hidden between to slices of bread, or book cover in my case.
In third year, my creative writing module taught me how to take my deconstructed sandwich and make a delicious baguette. It was a very whole way of learning to write and I would recommend it to anyone interested in the process.
When I was studying literature, I began to deconstruct fiction like a chef would deconstruct a sandwich
In 2016, I received a scholarship to do a MLitt (Master of Letters) in Creative writing. Taught by professional writers and amongst other creatives, I was incredibly excited and enthusiastic about the course. I was going through some things at that time, I was still grieving my mum, my partner was seriously ill and was diagnosed with a rare neurological condition, I had not long since had a hysterectomy and was drowning in menopausal anxiety, and I was being treating badly by a couple of so called friends at university. I had hoped to go on to do a PHD but life had other plans. I was relieved to graduate.
This was me graduating from my English Literature course.
When I left university, I had had a fair bit of time and cathartic writing to work through some of my grief, and despite my raging anxiety and brutal menopause symptoms, I was/am a better writer.
I had to put my knowledge into a big think pot for a while to let it stew
Trying to write anything after completing my creative writing course seemed like a mission. I couldn’t open a Word document without thinking, who is my intended reader, what is the shape of my narrative, what is premise of my story. I was so adept at editing my work for grades, that I couldn’t write on paper anymore because it ended up filled with lines and corrections and I found it distracting. I kept asking myself, has university stifled my creativity. All I wanted was to express myself like I used to do, but better. Instead I was staring at a blank page. That’s when I decided I had to put my knowledge into a big think pot for a while to let it stew.
Time and patience, and a wee bit frustration did the trick, I was finally able to write again. I still cannot write in a note book, but Word is my friend. This brings me back to what I set out to talk about. After university, and with a good writing toolkit, I decided to stick with my writing name Eilidh G Clark. Eilidh was adopted in 3rd year at university, when I realised that my old writing self was vastly different in style and quality that my new writing self: I wanted to separate the two. I also wanted to draw a line between my personal life and my writerly/creative life. At the time, it didn’t think I was ashamed of the work I had produced before, It felt that it held me back from the writer I could become. In 2014 I published a same sex romance novel. I should have been proud, but I locked it away, afraid to promote it, afraid to claim it as mine because I recognised too late that it was poorly edited, poorly crafted, and that the storyline was cringe worthy. I was ashamed. In addition to this, didn’t want to be known as an LGBTQI+ writer because I thought it would hinder my opportunities, and I didn’t think I would have an audience. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Creating a writing persona isn’t taught at university, but being amongst other creatives, published and unpublished, it’s hard not to notice professional website’s, highly polished work, a certain way of presenting ones self at events. If truth be told, it all felt alien to me, because it all felt detached from who I am.
I’ve been trying to reinvent myself since 2017, but it turns out the person that I was trying to become was the person I was before my Mum died, but with a little more skill, knowledge and insight
Of course, I followed the trend, I paid attention to my peers, detached myself from my natural writerly self in order to be worthy of the title ‘WRITER’, despite being published, despite having built up a body of published work. But hindsight is great, and I’m older, wiser, and out of the claws of menopause now, and I’m alright. I’ve realised that the best way to be an authentic writer, is to relax , be yourself, and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
I used to write a blog on Diaryland, that site is long gone now, but I wrote every night, and why? I enjoyed interacting with people. I found out that people think I’m funny, that my true self is fun to chat to. Before this current website came to be, I had an old WordPress account where I wrote a full novel off the cuff, every night for a year. I built a huge following during that year, but I sadly let it go.
Now, after all this time, I realise that I am an LGBTQI+ writer, of course I am. I am a lesbian women who loves to write about love and lust and hurt and betrayal and friendship from a queer perspective. I want to write queer characters, I want to write straight characters, I want characters that I can identify with and that my readers can identify with.
So here I am, my almost bare naked self, wearing only a name that I borrowed from my Mum and my wife, and I want to welcome you to my site, to a new me and an old me. I look forward to sharing everything that is to come as I return to my true self, and to a place of comfort .
So welcome, I am glad you stopped by, and I’m pleased to meet you.
Eilidh x